KAREN ANDERSON: Resentment, exhaustion, depression, physical illness: the price carers can pay when they don't care for themselves

This month was supposed to be about me giving myself a respite break by going to London on my own, enjoying the Back to the Future musical, then my birthday present to myself by driving the Silverstone racetrack in three supercars, before flying back on the Sunday.

I can report that the London stuff happened, and it was amazing, but there were unexpected events that influenced the whole trip and I am going to tell you about how they impacted on us instead.

I cannot stress enough how important it is for unpaid carers to have regular breaks away from their caring role. But it is difficult to organise. You must manage all the logistics not only for your break, but also for what is going to happen to keep your loved one safe and happy while you are out of the picture.

I had everything sorted for months. Many carers can’t see the wood for the trees when it comes to organising what is unfortunately known as ‘backfill’ caring cover. This is why even with the best will in the world, lots of respite break ideas are never brought to fruition. Since the pandemic, lots of the services that carers relied on have disappeared and many are struggling to get back the often minimal levels of support that they had before.

I had issues – first there was a rail strike which meant that there wouldn’t be a Gatwick Express from the airport and limited trains to get me on my way to Silverstone. I’m resilient enough to realise that the thing to do was to get there and then sort something out via another train or a taxi. For the boy, this was incredibly worrying as he now had gaps where he didn’t know what I would be doing.

But sometimes you must take a step away and have that respite regardless of the mess that follows, and that sometimes seems a selfish choice. If you don’t take care of yourself, resentment, exhaustion, depression, physical illness and so on will come calling for you and you won’t have the strength to resist.

But worse was to follow. Just 10 days before I was due to go, his Granny died suddenly. At 93, she was still living largely independently in her own home near Newcastle, and we hoped he would visit her in October. But it was not to be. He had to be helped to come to terms with that while his father made plans to take him to her house so that he had an opportunity to see the rest of the family and stay in her home probably for the last time.

His anxiety about my uncertainty over travel and what he would experience himself was pretty major. It would probably have been easier just to cancel my trip. But it was booked six months prior and represented something much more than just a speed kick for me.

I needed that trip.

Read more from Karen Anderson here.

This is what being a carer is like every day. You plan, you organise, you wish, you hope but ultimately, you have to accept that there are needs greater than yours and you have to take second place a lot of the time. But sometimes you must take a step away and have that respite regardless of the mess that follows, and that sometimes seems a selfish choice. If you don’t take care of yourself, resentment, exhaustion, depression, physical illness and so on will come calling for you and you won’t have the strength to resist.

Carers need to take care of themselves, and having a break is essential not optional.

Karen is Mum to an autistic son in his twenties and campaigns for the rights of unpaid carers to be supported in their caring role and involved in the decisions that affect their lives and the lives of the people they care for. You can find her on twitter and Instagram @Karen4Carers.

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