Ross-shire support group for people affected by suicide to expand further across the Highlands with meetings in
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A Highland support service for people affected by suicide is preparing to expand its reach as it marks its fifth anniversary.
James Support Group was set up by Cromarty couple Patrick and Wendy Mullery in memory of their son who took his own life in October 2017.
He was just 28 years old and left behind three children, aged five, two and 10 weeks old. He also left behind a devastated and bewildered partner, family and friends.
Six months later, the first meeting of the James Support Group was held in Inverness.
"We have become a big family. There is a real mix of people. Some people lost someone 30 years ago and have never had support. Some are more recent. There is a massive stigma attached to suicide. Thirty years ago, it was not really talked about – even 10 years ago." - Patrick Mullery
"We did it simply because there was no support for family and friends so we decided to do it ourselves," Mr Mullery said.
"The first meeting was at the Spectrum Centre and 24 people came to that first meeting. It made us realise there was a massive need."
With membership now at over 600, monthly meetings are held at seven locations across the Highlands – Inverness, Dingwall, Invergordon, Thurso, Nairn, Aviemore and Elgin.
From next month, another three locations will be added in Ullapool, Grantown on Spey and Fort William.
The group, which became a registered charity in October 2020, helps people bereaved by suicide as well as those with suicidal thoughts.
It runs a 24/7 helpline and offers one-to-one support.
"We have become a big family," Mr Mullery said. "There is a real mix of people. Some people lost someone 30 years ago and have never had support. Some are more recent.
"There is a massive stigma attached to suicide. Thirty years ago, it was not really talked about – even 10 years ago."
He felt in the last 10 years there had been a big shift in attitudes but said people were often at a loss to know what to say to someone bereaved by suicide.
"My advice is to be yourself with them," he said. "Tell them you care. Tell them you are there for them whether it is to have a cuppa and chat, or whether it is to have a cuppa and sit in silence."
For family and friends left following a death by suicide, it leaves behind heartache and questions.
"James stopped his own pain and transferred it to us," Mr Mullery reflected.
"People continue with that pain. That doesn’t go away.
"When you lose someone to suicide, it is not like losing someone at the end of their life.
"It amplifies the grief. You do not expect to bury your children."
The family also faces the dilemma of explaining to James’s children what happened to their father.
"They do not know what he did," he said.
"They know he was not well in the head. You have to let them lead the questions and give them answers which are age appropriate."
Mr Mullery now devotes much of his time to the charity, attending support group meetings and meeting people on a one-to-one basis.
"When you lose someone to suicide, it completely changes your life," he said. "It is all-encompassing."
Despite growing referrals from various organisations, he is frustrated that sometimes there seems to be a lack of coordination between different groups and services including the medical profession.
"They don’t always pass on the information we have given them," he said.
"Four years ago when we were in our early days, I could understand why a GP would not want to refer someone to us.
"We are established now. We are a charity.
"If we all know about each other, we can signpost each other.
"There are some fantastic organisations in the Highlands. We are just one of them."
Reflecting on the growth of the group, he said: "It is a bitter-sweet thing.
"It is great that the group is growing. On the other hand, it is not great it has grown because there is such a need for it."
The inaugural meetings in the new locations will be held at Ullapool Village Hall on April 6, 5.30pm to 7.45pm, and the Garth Hotel in Grantown on Spey on April 27 from 6pm to 7.45pm plus Voluntary Action Lochaber, Fort William, on April 20 from 5.30pm to 7.15pm.
