Former Aberdeen and Ross County player Andy MacLeod opens up on the impact that struggling with his adoption had on his professional football career
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Former Ross County forward Andy MacLeod hopes that opening up on his struggles with being adopted can help others realise they are not alone.
The 55-year-old was a key member of the Staggies squad that moved into the SPFL from the Highland League 30 years ago, having previously turned out for Aberdeen and Fortuna Sittard in the Netherlands.
Despite coming through the youth set-up at Pittodrie while Sir Alex Ferguson was manager, and breaking into the first-team picture under Jocky Scott and Alex Smith, MacLeod struggled with the lifestyle of a professional footballer.
Much of that came from the knowledge that he had been adopted as a baby, which was what initially brought him north to Invergordon.
Although it was not a secret growing up, it was a non-issue in MacLeod’s early childhood.
Instead, the doubts and questions really began to formulate in his mind as a teenager – just when he signed for Aberdeen as a youth player.
“It was really quite unfortunate timing,” MacLeod reflected.
“Things were going quite well in football, but my head was full of questions. I would think about where my origins were, and I felt a lot of guilt.
“I’m now aware that I had nothing to feel guilty about, but back then I did. I felt guilt that I was even thinking about it, in case it hurt my mother and father’s feelings. I felt guilty because I wasn’t being honest with people about a lot of things, and I was avoiding conversations.
“I felt a wee bit of guilt, a bit of shame, and there was a whole thing about rejection that started to manifest itself which led to some anger coming through.
“I refer to those thoughts as my demons, and it was unfortunate because being a professional football and having those demons in my mind weren’t well suited to each other.
“I had quite a lot of time on my hands. At Aberdeen, I would train for about an hour-and-a-half, and you were to rest the rest of the day. That really started to affect me because all I would do was think about adoption and who I was.
“Later on my release was getting out of my digs and going to meet people, and that didn’t work out well for me. I ended up going to the pub and speaking to people, and they would want to speak to me about football which was great because it would take my mind off things.
“You would have a few drinks which would blur the sharpness of what I was thinking about, but I still felt quite lonesome.
“I think anyone who’s adopted feels quite alone in the world, and I certainly did in Aberdeen.”
MacLeod’s discomfort in Aberdeen led to wanting a change. Even at that early stage, he began to think that a full-time career as a professional footballer may not be the right path for him, but he gave it another chance in Holland.
It was a gamble, and as it turned out not one that paid off. At first it looked like being a tonic, in a new environment with new challenges ahead of him, but eventually it turned into even greater levels of isolation being so far away from home.
When he left Fortuna Sittard in 1991 then, still just in his mid-20s, MacLeod was prepared to put professional football behind him.
From the outside, it might seem like a shame for someone who had worked so hard to make it in the game, and who still loved football, to turn away from the sport. To MacLeod, though, it was the only real option.
“It got to a stage where I was at my wit’s end with professional football – and I knew what was happening, I just couldn’t do anything about it,” he explained.
“I was being bussed around to the best hotels and the biggest grounds, playing football in front of tens of thousands of people, but I could feel myself walking around with a really unhappy face.
“I loved football, it was everything to me, but the demons and everything I was going through ruined that. There’s love of football, and there’s not enjoying the game – they are two different things.
“I was getting scared of having so much time on my hands. When I left professional football, I was 23, and I was at a stage where I thought I needed to get out before something bad happens.
“Before I took myself right to the edge of the cliff, I needed to take myself to a place where I could feel a bit happier. I needed to make some harsh decisions and get out.
“I can understand an outsider looking at it might think it was a hard decision, but it didn’t feel like that to me.
“Football wasn’t going to make me any happier, plus who knows if I would have played at a higher level or played for another 10 years – I didn’t know that. What I did know was that I was depressed, I had anxiety, and no matter how much training I put into it football was just a job.
“I really did need to change, and I bless my lucky stars because I had so many lovely experiences within football that I’m quite content with where I’ve been and what I’ve done.
“I made an early decision in my life to say that’s enough, but I can still look back at the years I had with a smile and be proud. I don’t have regrets. I made the right decision for myself, based on where my headspace was at in that moment.”
Leaving full-time football saw MacLeod return home to Invergordon, where he would soon get a call from Bobby Wilson asking him to come and play for Ross County.
With that love of football still there, and the ability to fill his days with a “normal” job, he took Wilson up on the offer – and would be a regular part of the Staggies side in the 1990s, through Highland League titles and into the Scottish Football League for the first time.
While more success followed on the pitch, though, it took MacLeod a long time to shake off those demons that had affected him for so long.
After he had turned 31, there came multiple turning points. Through the day job, MacLeod would go on a neuro linguistic programming course that would prove useful, but most importantly he became a father for the first time when partner Kizzy gave birth to daughter Faith.
Having a blood relative so close for the first time in his life fuelled MacLeod’s desire for answers, so he embarked on a search for his biological mother.
After looking through records to try and track her down, the at this point former County player had the idea to look up his biological mother in a phonebook – and found his biological grandmother answered the call.
“Having my own daughter was massive for me – you can imagine, someone who was adopted and didn’t really have any biological blood anywhere, having my own child was unbelievable,” MacLeod said.
“After that, I decided I needed to start finding some answers. Strangely enough, I found my biological mother pretty quickly after that, before Faith turned one.
“That happened far quicker than I expected, and not as I expected either. I was in shock for three or four days afterwards.
“I could hardly believe it when her mother, my biological granny, answered the phone. I could hear the emotion in her voice, which got me wondering if I should have done it. What if I was ruining other people’s lives?
“After a few more phone calls, we decided to meet up and those doubts started to disappear. That answered a lot of questions that were in my head, and I was able to ask things I’d wanted to know for a long time.
“I could see similarities in someone who was like me, which really helped me to move on from that whole adoption thing.
“I was able to speak way more openly with my parents about the whole thing. I always credit my daughter Faith for spurring me on, not that she knew about it at the time, because having a child made me realise it was time to answer some questions.”
Getting those answers gave MacLeod an element of closure. There was no click of his fingers and everything was right in the world like may be seen on television, and he suspects the person he is today has been significantly shaped by the initial feeling of rejection that came with him being adopted.
However, he is in a place where he has largely beaten the demons that threatened to derail his life once upon a time, and he has a relatively simple piece of advice for anyone else going through a similar situation.
“That’s an easy one for me now: talk about it, open up,” MacLeod added.
“I know that’s easy for me to say at my age now, and it might not be as easy for a teenager or someone in their 20s, but I think we’re in a different era now where people can talk about adoption where back in the 80s that wasn’t the case.
“Anyone who is carrying similar demons to me should open up and talk to somebody. You’re not the only one, and it’s normal to feel the feelings you’re feeling.
“I used to think I wasn’t normal, and I was the only one in the world who was adopted. Looking back, that’s ridiculous, but that’s how I felt as a youngster.
“I wish I spoke about it earlier in my life and wasn’t so protective around hiding and lying about it.
“Everyone has their own challenges and their own trauma of some sort throughout their lives. This isn’t about saying ‘poor me’ – I’m at a stage now where I can talk about it, and it feels good to be able to talk about it – it’s just about saying that if you are holding on to challenges, talk to people and get sharing it.
“There’s nothing to feel guilty about, there’s nothing to feel rejected or ashamed about, and if I had maybe had that chat when I was younger it might have helped me find that wee bit of closure.”
